Exit and Support Network

Unable to Share My Full Story

I will be 37 this month. I am a "child survivor" of Herbert Armstrong and Worldwide Church of God. My father was a respected faculty member on both the Pasadena and Big Sandy campuses. I went to Imperial School for longer than anyone should have gone (longer than a minute there was too long).  I have been unable to share my full story as of yet. I have spent countless hours researching this whole mess and seem to be getting more and more depressed and am diving more and more inside of myself. I have lived with nightmares throughout my life until late twenties--where into my thirties, they seemed to be coming out in the form of very misunderstood and unwanted memories. 

I have not been able to face my parents since this revelation of knowledge. I love them, but the hardest thing that I am living with at this point is that we lived the way we did and other people went hungry or without. The guilt from that is absolutely unbearable. I sometimes just want to crawl under a rock. I thought that throughout all of those years we lived like that because we deserved to. Well, apparently we did not. I am so sorry for those who did without so that we could live like we did. 

I understand that I was only a child, but that is not making this any easier. I just cannot seem to make any sense of this. Who I have struggled to become all of these years is fading right before my eyes. I don't know how I am suppose to feel, act, smile, laugh, talk, react, etc., to anything anymore, because who and what I was, was all based on someone else's sick form of control. I have become someone that I don't even know anymore, but apparently, I have always been someone that I don't know. I have embarked on a road of healing that appears to be destroying me. Maybe, I will someday be able to put my pathetic story into words. I have tried countless times, but until then, I guess that I need to know that I am not totally crazy. 

By Shane - Child survivor of WCG
July 11, 2002


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